Correction vs. Discipline

“Children don’t do as you say. They do as you do.”

The Positive Message | By: Jamare Harris

Do you ever wonder why your child(ren) can’t remember to do what you’ve asked of them, but they can repeat every bad word you’d ever said? Well, that’s because we are huge walking and talking examples for them. I know that we say this in conversation, in lectures and in workshops but this is happening in REAL time folks, and we are behind the ball! I want to extend some wisdom to my fellow mommies and daddies. We have to change the way we are disciplining our children. That’s the first mistake. We should spend less time disciplining and more energy into correcting. For the most part, there is a general consensus that we desire our child(ren) to be kind, wholesome, effective, functioning people in society.

We also desire them to be free to express themselves. I understand that these are two very different concepts. How do we merge them? How do we prepare them for the world and at the same time honor and celebrate them as individuals? Furthermore, how do we do this when they are 5, 16 or 19? First, take a breath. Second, check your actions toward them. What messages are you sending them silently or outright?

Are you typically yelling and screaming as an effective form of communication? Are you punishing them when they make a mistake instead of showing them what to do instead? Are you stomping around when you don’t get your way? How are you solving problems?

As a mother and an educator, I must share with you that there is a direct connection between the home and how your child behaves. However, when certain behaviors show up in a 4-year-old, it’s less acceptable, oddly enough. So yes, this message is for you parents. Let’s practice showing up as our best selves. Let’s focus on correcting the behaviors in ourselves so that we can correct the behaviors in our child(ren). Discipline should be about steering your child(ren) in the right direction and less about serving up a punishment when they’ve done something wrong. Here are a few ideas in lieu of punishments for correcting behavior and some expectation setting ideas.

• Reward jars with a goal (when you fill this up we can have…)- Positive reinforcement

• House manners (place it somewhere visible and include your child(ren) in creating the list)

• Cozy spaces for big emotions (make it interactive with fidget toys, books, crayons, paper, pencils, fuzzies and something from nature i.e. a plant, waterfall, rocks)

I always say this: it is NOT easy, but it is so worth it!

Until next time, stay positive, parents!

Summertime with the K-I-D's

“Tiny humans need connection before correction.”

The Positive Message | By: Jamare Harris

It has been over a year that most of us have been in the house with our child(ren). Even though some of them have returned to school, it is still on an amended schedule and we’ve had to adjust to yet again a “new normal”. First, I want to applaud you parents. You have done an amazing job managing all of this while attempting to remain sane. It wasn’t easy. I hope that we all are discovering healthy ways to take care of ourselves as we continue on this journey. With summer time fast approaching, I wanted to provide you with some simple tips to keep your children busy and your summer stress free. I am totally a non-conventional parent and it has helped me to not be so hard on myself. Everything in life has to have balance to continue to have order… Does that make sense? So, together, let’s practice some letting go.

First, I say this all of the time, create a schedule for your children! Children thrive off of being a part of the plan. The motto in my house is “you do what you have to do so that you can do what you want to do”. Create jobs for your children (yes, they can do it). Work on how you respond to your child(ren) when they are not complying. Remember, they will do and say what you do and say. Be kind and firm.

Create a “messy” space for them that they are responsible for and that is out of your eyesight. Children will spend hours getting messy and it’s developmentally appropriate. I'm not against continuing schoolwork but keep it fun and brief! Have them read daily! This provides 20 minutes of quiet time each day. For your non-reader, have them look at the book and make up the story (super developmentally appropriate). Pack their lunch and snacks even if they are at home. This cuts down on them asking for something to eat a million times a day. Make time for special days, schedule it for your children and put it on a calendar. Finally, pay the money for the babysitter or day activities. Having time to recharge and be by yourself is mandatory for your mental health. Eight weeks…you can do it!

Until next time, stay positive, parents!

Quarantine Crazy

“There is no such thing as a perfect parent. Just be a real one.”

The Positive Parent | By: Jamare Harris

You do not have to tell me! I know it all too well… quarantine has the whole house in an uproar and while we love our children dearly, we are going crazy! Of course, some days smoother than others but trust me, a year in the house with anyone would make you question your sanity. Relief may come in certain ways. Maybe they’re going to school for a half day. Or, a walk that you don’t have to be on because you beat your spouse in “rock, paper, scissors” but let’s be completely transparent, this...is...different. Okay, now that we’ve said it, what do we do? Here are some fun and engaging ways that we can be the type of parents we want to be, firm and kind. In addition to some ways that we can turn those listening ears on and keep them on.

First things first! Please sit down with your children and create a schedule. Until you do that, you’ll continue to pull your hair out. Have fun with it. Ask them what they think is important, let them draw pictures, let them have a say! If you dictate, you’ll be sure to fail. Children want to feel included in this busy world of grown ups who are always making decisions for them.

Next, carve out special time with your children that you can actually show up for and keep it consistent! Children thrive off of routine! For me, it’s reading at bedtime. My daughter can always count on that every day activity with me. You have to build connection before correction… so, on to the correction.

Having an issue with listening ears? Don’t we all! Well, that’s where that schedule comes in. Refer back to what they’ve created and use language like; “when you do this, you may do that” “when we do what we have to do, we can do what we want to do”. No, it’s not that easy, this will take time but eventually the consistency along with your child feeling a part of the big picture will help calm their desire to ignore you.

Lastly, when caring for your child at any time, whether we are in quarantine or not, remember, they are children! Watch your tone, voice level and body language. Children acquire learned behaviors by their biggest role model… YOU! So parents, mind your manners, they’re watching.

Until next time, stay positive, parents!